The past few weeks have certainly been challenging, probably more so for my dear husband and children than they have been for me. As the world has spun around me, literally, I have reached aimlessly for pieces of my life to help ground me. It seems over and over again my hands come back empty. I have spent years defining myself through my accomplishments. Clean kitchen. Check. Folded laundry. Check. Dinner on the table. Kids tucked in bed. A 30 minute show in my husband's arms. Check. Check. Check. At the end of the day I could say, "Look what I've done...I'm a pretty good wife and mother. I have a purpose. I am of worth."
So what can I say for myself when my greatest accomplishment of the day is getting to the bathroom without a cane? Or visiting with the kids without a blindfold over my eyes? Or on a good day, pouring a bowl of cereal for my four year old instead of having him eat it out of the box?
This feeling of inadequacy often leaves me questioning my self worth, and these are the moments when I ask the Lord why he spared me and if it wouldn't have just been easier to let that darn blood vessel bleed in my head. Such un-grattitude leads me deep into an abyss of hopelessness.
In an effort to avoid that dark depression, so often wanting to suck me in, I have worked to find some things to hold on to and bring me a sense of stability. This is what I have learned:
1) I am not defined by how much I get done, but by the fact that I am a child of God. Molded by His hands. Loved by Him. Strengthened through the atoning sacrifice of our Savior. God loves me for the strength of my spirit, not the strength of my body. Not only that, but He loves me so much that He allowed Christ to suffer excruciating pains so that I can live with Him for eternity! Seriously? He doesn't care that I use a cane and sometimes stutter!
2) Every moment with my children is an opportunity to really be with them and feel their love. Even if I wear a blindfold or ear plugs their sweet touch is healing. Dallin rubbed my feet with lotion (granted he wanted me to pay him like his Grandma does) but the gentle touch of his hands brought me a sense of peace and love.
Well, okay...I am sad to say that these are the only two things I feel strongly about right now. There are so many thoughts flying through my head and making me forget my blessings, but I am trying to hold onto the ones that calm me. That's all I can do. Just Try.
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