Friday, May 11, 2012

Self-worth vs. Depression

The past few weeks have certainly been challenging, probably more so for my dear husband and children than they have been for me. As the world has spun around me, literally, I have reached aimlessly for pieces of my life to help ground me. It seems over and over again my hands come back empty. I have spent years defining myself through my accomplishments. Clean kitchen. Check. Folded laundry. Check. Dinner on the table. Kids tucked in bed. A 30 minute show in my husband's arms. Check. Check. Check. At the end of the day I could say, "Look what I've done...I'm a pretty good wife and mother. I have a purpose. I am of worth."

So what can I say for myself when my greatest accomplishment of the day is getting to the bathroom without a cane? Or visiting with the kids without a blindfold over my eyes? Or on a good day, pouring a bowl of cereal for my four year old instead of having him eat it out of the box?

This feeling of inadequacy often leaves me questioning my self worth, and these are the moments when I ask the Lord why he spared me and if it wouldn't have just been easier to let that darn blood vessel bleed in my head. Such un-grattitude leads me deep into an abyss of hopelessness.

In an effort to avoid that dark depression, so often wanting to suck me in, I have worked to find some things to hold on to and bring me a sense of stability. This is what I have learned:

1) I am not defined by how much I get done, but by the fact that I am a child of God. Molded by His hands. Loved by Him. Strengthened through the atoning sacrifice of our Savior. God loves me for the strength of my spirit, not the strength of my body. Not only that, but He loves me so much that He allowed Christ to suffer excruciating pains so that I can live with Him for eternity! Seriously? He doesn't care that I use a cane and sometimes stutter!

2) Every moment with my children is an opportunity to really be with them and feel their love. Even if I wear a blindfold or ear plugs their sweet touch is healing. Dallin rubbed my feet with lotion (granted he wanted me to pay him like his Grandma does) but the gentle touch of his hands brought me a sense of peace and love.

Well, okay...I am sad to say that these are the only two things I feel strongly about right now. There are so many thoughts flying through my head and making me forget my blessings, but I am trying to hold onto the ones that calm me. That's all I can do. Just Try.


  1. wow, i didn't know this had happened!
    this was a wonderful post, and a great reminder about who we really are deep inside. loved it.
    and i'm sending prayers and well wishes your way for a speedy and full recovery.

  2. Thanks Cher, you are so sweet! Your family is looking darling and I hope I get to meet them all someday.

  3. I know Dear. And it brings me comfort.

  4. It's amazing that even with how much time I am online, I still miss things. I didn't know you were going through this and I am so sorry! How scary. Our prayers will be with you for a full recovery from this. So glad you are OK! Love, DeAnne

  5. Second DeAnne's comment, I am so sorry for you and your family. We're praying for a fast, complete recovery for you and comfort for your sweet family. With love, Sarah

  6. Thank you ladies, you have been such good friends to me and my family. We feel supported and loved through this trial. Your kind thoughts and loving prayers are greatly appreciated.

  7. Your words touch my heart. You are so precious Sarah and I want you to know that you are my hero. I sometimes fall into despairing moods and share similar thoughts, but really what we can only do is try our best and I trust that the Lord will take care of the rest. I miss you and love you very much. I hope and pray that you will feel better everyday.

    1. Elora, I know you have struggled with feelings of despair at times, but you are also an amazing mother. I am grateful to live close enough to see your little family grow. Love you!